Ducks in a Row

We often talk about getting organized and putting things in order, using the phrase, “getting our ducks in a row.”  Sometimes this becomes a crutch or an excuse to put something we want to do, be, or have off to someday.  If we wait until all our ducks are nicely lined up, when we have all the details figured out and know the whole plan, we may have missed the opportunity.

In reality, when a mother duck works to get her ducklings in a row, she may quack and herd and nudge, expending lots of energy trying to get her ducks to line up.  But the moment she gets into action, and begins walking, the miracle happens–the ducklings line right up to follow her.  This is a great metaphor for life.  We can spend lots of energy going nowhere but spinning in circles trying to get our ducks in a row.  Or we can simply begin moving toward our goals with whatever information we currently have, and know that the ducks will line up behind us as we move, without effort on our part.

Success author Jack Canfield, shares a visual in the movie, The Secret.  He describes movement toward a goal as seeing the next step and taking it, and then taking the next step as it shows up.  It is like driving at night, where you can only see the parts of the road reflected in your headlights.  You don’t wait until it is light and you can see the whole route to drive.  You simply keep moving in the direction you can see–and as you go in faith, the headlights continue to light more and more of the way, getting you to your destination.

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Empower vs. Enable

When we come from a place of service, which is so important in our making a difference for others, we want to do whatever we can to help people.  Often this is uplifting, empowering and useful.  But every once in a while, instead of empowering people to take on the tools that they need to be successful, we enable them by doing the work for them.

This reminds me of an old Japanese proverb: If you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.  If you teach a man to fish, he’ll eat for a lifetime.  The first part, just giving something to someone, is enabling if it is done over and over again.  The second part, teaching a person to be self-sufficient, is truly empowering.  You can tell which you are doing by whether you are still needed by the other person over time.

It is so easy for us to slip into enabling, because we have resources and knowledge, and it is sometimes simpler to just do it ourselves for another person than to let them try, make mistakes, learn and grow.  But when we just do it, we do a huge disservice to the person we think we are helping.  They learn nothing at all from the experience, other than that they are somehow “less than” and must rely on others to help them survive and succeed.  Is that really the message we want to be spreading?  Of course not!  So take a look at your actions as you come from a heart of service.  Are you truly serving by empowering people to be successful after you are gone?  If so, great!  If not, start moving toward that approach and REALLY be of service.

Exploring Unconditional Positive Regard

Unconditional Positive Regard sets a basis for our respectful communication with and about children and youth.  Let’s break this down.  “Unconditional” means that is happens all the time, not under a set of circumstances or conditions that only exist some of the time.  “Positive” is just that—focused on what is going right, what the desired behaviors and characteristics are, and shifting away from negativity or criticism.  “Regard” is having a sense of respect or consideration for another, to hold them in high esteem.

Essentially this concept is like the “golden rule” of old, that we treat others the way we want to be treated.  Where we sometimes fail at this is when adults treat children and youth as though they are somehow less than a full person because of their youth.  Adult conversation about children and especially teenagers is full of disrespect and assumption, lumping all children and youth into the same category and expecting poor behavior and bad choices.  On the other hand, adults also have a tendency to expect children to know all the things that adults know and to make decisions from a similar level of life experience as adults have.  This sets the child up for failure, and we then disparage children for making “bad” choices in their behavior or response because they are coming from their limited experience, skills and knowledge.

I believe that language is creative.  What I mean by that is that when we say something often enough or with enough emotional intensity, the idea we expressed becomes more likely to develop in reality.  In Special Education, this is called the self-fulfilling prophecy.  When a child who has a specific diagnosis is told often enough or by people he holds in very high esteem (like a parent or doctor) that he will be a certain way, or will never be able to do a certain activity, in most cases the child begins to act in the predicted way or is unable to participate in the activity regardless of the physical and mental evidence to the contrary.

I believe that what children really need is supportive, thoughtful and emotionally healthy adults who can speak to and about children with respect and encouragement.  When we speak to children as though they are fully capable, and we show them respect in our words, tone and body language, we build trust and positive relationships.  When we make the effort to find the good in every interaction and every person, no matter what their behavior is, we demonstrate Unconditional Positive Regard.  When we engage in conversations in the community and with other adults, speaking about children and teens from respect and acknowledging that most of them are doing the best they can and just want to be accepted, we demonstrate Unconditional Positive Regard.

Children and youth learn how to respect others from the adults in their lives first modeling respect and trust in every relationship.  If we want our children to show respect for their elders, their community and their world, we need to demonstrate that in our words and daily actions.  We all are their teachers, no matter what our actual role is in a child’s life.  How are you modeling Unconditional Positive Regard, and how will you commit to use it more fully in your interactions?