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Monthly Archives: April 2013

Exploring Unconditional Positive Regard

23 Tuesday Apr 2013

Posted by Holly King in Guidance

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5441612-she-knows-right-answer-real-lesson-in-the-classromUnconditional Positive Regard sets a basis for our respectful communication with and about children and youth.  Let’s break this down.  “Unconditional” means that is happens all the time, not under a set of circumstances or conditions that only exist some of the time.  “Positive” is just that—focused on what is going right, what the desired behaviors and characteristics are, and shifting away from negativity or criticism.  “Regard” is having a sense of respect or consideration for another, to hold them in high esteem.

Essentially this concept is like the “golden rule” of old, that we treat others the way we want to be treated.  Where we sometimes fail at this is when adults treat children and youth as though they are somehow less than a full person because of their youth.  Adult conversation about children and especially teenagers is full of disrespect and assumption, lumping all children and youth into the same category and expecting poor behavior and bad choices.  On the other hand, adults also have a tendency to expect children to know all the things that adults know and to make decisions from a similar level of life experience as adults have.  This sets the child up for failure, and we then disparage children for making “bad” choices in their behavior or response because they are coming from their limited experience, skills and knowledge.

I believe that language is creative.  What I mean by that is that when we say something often enough or with enough emotional intensity, the idea we expressed becomes more likely to develop in reality.  In Special Education, this is called the self-fulfilling prophecy.  When a child who has a specific diagnosis is told often enough or by people he holds in very high esteem (like a parent or doctor) that he will be a certain way, or will never be able to do a certain activity, in most cases the child begins to act in the predicted way or is unable to participate in the activity regardless of the physical and mental evidence to the contrary.

I believe that what children really need is supportive, thoughtful and emotionally healthy adults who can speak to and about children with respect and encouragement.  When we speak to children as though they are fully capable, and we show them respect in our words, tone and body language, we build trust and positive relationships.  When we make the effort to find the good in every interaction and every person, no matter what their behavior is, we demonstrate Unconditional Positive Regard.  When we engage in conversations in the community and with other adults, speaking about children and teens from respect and acknowledging that most of them are doing the best they can and just want to be accepted, we demonstrate Unconditional Positive Regard.

Children and youth learn how to respect others from the adults in their lives first modeling respect and trust in every relationship.  If we want our children to show respect for their elders, their community and their world, we need to demonstrate that in our words and daily actions.  We all are their teachers, no matter what our actual role is in a child’s life.  How are you modeling Unconditional Positive Regard, and how will you commit to use it more fully in your interactions?

Valuing Childhood

19 Friday Apr 2013

Posted by Holly King in Childhood

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mirrorIn our country, we place a low value on childhood and advanced age.  The unspoken societal rules indicate that if you’re not a working, earning adult, you have little or no value in our society.  This is evidenced in the way we fund our social support systems, and how we pay staff who work with these populations.  Early childhood teachers, child and adult caregivers, senior living facility staff all are in positions that are held in low public esteem, often disparaged as glorified babysitters.  The societal status of elementary school teachers is slightly more positive, but not by much.  And that myopic view of the worth of those jobs is reflected in the substandard pay that such positions offer.

Look at Japan, on the other hand—there is a high value on both children, who are recognized as the future of the country, and on elders, who are acknowledged for their experience and wisdom in guiding the working adults.  Children and seniors are not groups of humans that should be shuffled off and merely tolerated until they grow into productive adulthood or pass on from the world.  They should be honored and respected for the unique gifts of life experience and perspective they can offer the rest of us.

In order to make a true difference in transforming the current education system in the United States we need to see children and childhood as equally valuable to “contributing” members of society and our wise elders.  Childhood is a time in life that only happens once.  You may be saying to yourself, “No kidding,” but let that really sink in.  How many of our children today are truly getting to enjoy this magical and wildly imaginative time of their lives without the daily stressors of what is typically thought of as adult concerns?  How many children are worried about where their next meal is coming from and whether their family is safe?  Or being juggled from class to class with no time for play and just being a kid?

This is reflected in our schools as anything that is not a Common Core subject is put on the chopping block.  Physical education, recess, free play and exploration, music, art and anything that is right-brained and play-based is cut from the daily schedule as unimportant.  The key pieces of what makes childhood fun and supports optimal growth and development across all developmental domains are being taken away from children in the name of higher test scores and better academics.  I argue that the cost far outweighs the benefits of this approach.  What are you doing to diminish these costs and support childhood as a valuable part of the life span?

 

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